I feel like we're in a Noel Coward play: someone should be mixing martinis

Before we start this relationship, I think it's important to get some things Arnold-Schwarzenegger-straight. And I'm not looking for comments or discussion on this post: Cyber-Martini is not a democracy. Deal with it.

This is how you make a classic martini according to me and the only bartender who counts, Jamal at the Monkey Bar, Sandy Lane.

Before you begin, procure some 6oz martini glasses (preferably Riedel), some good gin (to your taste - I'm thinking Hendricks) and some dry vermouth (I prefer Noilly Prat). Stick the gin in the freezer and the vermouth in the fridge. In fact, I would recommend that no good home is complete without a martini drawer in the freezer, just as no refrigerator is complete without a bottle of Tobasco sauce in the condiments shelf and a bottle of vermouth on the rack. Stick the glasses in a cupboard. Do not take them straight from a hot dishwasher (as I've seen some provincial dolts do) as your guests arrive.

Now to step one. Fill your cocktail shaker/mixing glass and martini glasses with ice. Leave while you check your blackberry. 30 secs later, empty ice, water.

Step two. Put ice cubes into shaker. No crushed ice as this melts too quickly. Throw in Noilly Prat. Empty Noilly Prat. Basically, you have now introduced the NP to the ice, and will later introduce the ice to the gin. There is no need to get any more promiscuous than that. This is an elegant drink from a more civilised time.

Step three. Add gin to shaker/mixing glass.

Step four. Shake, stir, as you wish. Only pretentious fools make a big deal about which you do. (Indeed, James Bond's claim that to stir bruises the gin more than shaking it is quite simply wrong.) Do not however, belabour the point. Fifteen seconds of stirring/shaking is fine. Beyond that you aren't making the gin any colder - you're just over-diluting with melted ice.

Step five. Strain cocktail into glass. 

Step six. Take a thin slice of unwaxed lemon peel. Squeeze gently over glass to release citric oil. Then twist and drop into the glass.

Simples.

Now, I have a lot of German friends. They may actually be Austrian, but culturally, these are people who are not going to appreciate being given a six step guide to making a martini without some numeric guidance as to measures. You want around 4 oz of cocktail in a 6 oz glass. Any more and drinking it while it's still chilled will require such haste as to belie the elegance of the entire project.  In terms of the ratio between the gin and the vermouth, if you choose to forego my In And Out method and simply want to mix the gin and vermouth together in the mixing glass, the maximum Noilly Prat to Gin ratio should be 1:4. Personally, I go dry at 1:6. For the ultimate dry martini, you can strap a bottle of Noilly Prat a nuclear bomb, set the timer, and then stand 2 miles away with a glass of cold gin waiting for the fallout.