I never go jogging. It makes me spill my martini.

There is no room in Cyber-Martini for reformation tendencies. We will NOT be peddling apple-martinis, espresso-tinis, choca-tinis, lychee-tinis, breakfast martinis and god knows what else. Anathema sit.

There are three variations of the Classic Martini that are within the Orthodoxy.

The first is the Vodka Martini.

The method of preparation is the same as with the Classic Martini except that you use good vodka (for me, Stoli Elit or for something a bit more unusual Black Moth) rather than than good gin.

You also garnish with a green olive rather than a lemon twist. The olive should be de-stoned but should not have any ridiculous stuffing that overwhelms the taste of the vodka or the Noilly Prat other than potentially a pimento.

If you use one olive, drop it into the glass. Three olives, my preference, should be skewered on a stick. To use two olives would be the behaviour of someone who lives on the wrong side of the park. Four olives would unbalance the cocktail.

The second permitted variation is the Dirty Martini.

The method of preparation here is exactly the same as the Vodka Martini except that you also add a dash (Austrians - read a half ounce) of the olive brine to the shaker/mixing glass alongside the vodka. This to me is the ultimate martini but depends critically on the quality of the olives and the quantity of the olive brine used. It's fantastic when done well but very easy to do badly.

The third permitted variation is the Gibson.

The Gibson is exactly the same as the Classic Martini except that you garnish with two cocktail onions dropped into the glass. Personally, I think this is a very poor relation to the original, but, selah, it has history.

There are two cocktails which you might have thought allowed but which aren't on this list. The first is the Gimlet. Now the Gimlet walks, talks and quacks like a martini, but it ISN'T a martini. It is, however, a damn fine drink. You make it in the same way as a classic martini, except that you're 1:4 on Rose's Lime juice to good gin and there's no garnish.

The second is the Vesper. This is the martini variant mentioned in that misogynistic, masochistic hack, Ian Fleming's novel, Casino Royale. I know how to mix it. You can wiki it and find out too. But I'm not encouraging anyone to go down that road.

You can, however, see the cast-iron logic behind the disqualifications. A martini cocktail always has a fleeting acquaintance with vermouth. The Gimlet and the Vesper do not. Hence, while they wear the dress, martinis they ain't. Period.